Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.

I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

Well well well…

I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered