Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?

Me: He has moved on to a better place.

Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!

Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

If I ignore life will it go away?

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type

And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended

Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?