Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
My new favorite headline
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*