Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
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(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
He instantly became one of the bros
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
😭😭
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
had to share :’)
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”