Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*