Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
You Might Also Like
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?
We do, now.
(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
