Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.

I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”

Cold.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker

doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow

me: [devastated] what’s the good news

doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later

Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to