Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!

Labreador

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

What a relief. Bring on the nukes

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.