terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.