Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
the composer
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.