Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

🍞🦆

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.

Him: Please, call me James.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill

editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on

writer: well, they go up a hill

editor: i’m already bored

writer: to fetch a pail of water

editor: kill me

writer: no trust me it gets better

when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.