Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
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Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.