Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”