Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
The devil.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
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