Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”