Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby