Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
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You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
This is my cat’s medicine.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Good morning ☺️
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.