Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

[lunch date]

“I’ll have a salad.”

Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

Good guy: *kills henchman*

Henchman: wow

Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you

Henchman: WOW

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.