Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

Roses are red
Violets are blue…

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

Child: [eating cereal]

Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.

Child: Thank you.

Me [taking a step]: *crunch*

Child:

Me: There it is.

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”