Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
What even happened today?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Ah yes. The three genders
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.