Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
You Might Also Like
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that