Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time