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Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?