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[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.