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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
A game married people play.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.