Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
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[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
This is hilarious
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Just found $27 in my washing machine, it’s a bad day to be an Applebees happy hour
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.