Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
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[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.