Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
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Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
💁🏻♂️
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down