Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
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No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?