Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
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8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*