Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

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Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.


8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.


If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore


WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.


*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.


my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth


The revolution will be tweeted. The sunset, Instagrammed. The relationship, Facebooked. The storm, Vined.


Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll


Last night I went to a hardware store with my dad and a lady was leaving the store with a shovel and my dad yelled UH OH SHOVEL TIME at her


*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*