Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!

When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.