Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

[2015 Bird Awards]

AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN

(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind