Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I think I’m having a stroke
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.