Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
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He has no idea 🤡
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?