Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA