Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.

Wife: don’t forget the list

Me: I won’t

[later]

Me: [calling from the grocery store]

My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats