Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!