Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Spam caller said “love you byeee” before hanging up.
Didn’t get a chance to say, “but wait, do you really mean that?”
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Dolls on drugs
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
when you don’t want to be too vague
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.