Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

I feel it

A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times