Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
I had to Stop for this
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Tough love is true love
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what