Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

I heard you like bad boys?

*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*

Sup.

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Never be a pizza!

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback

Taking phone security to the next level.

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.