Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I had to Stop for this
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
How do I get a job writing these texts
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Ha.
