Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.

MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate

professor: i meant questions about the midterm

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?

schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.