Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Doggies just call it style.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Weighing up my bread heating options
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
181.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps