Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?

GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

[working from home]

8:00am: wake up

8:30am: eat cereal

8:30-noon: can’t remember

noon: open laptop

noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”

12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up

12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up

1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

Hacker: I have all your passwords

Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.