Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

I got a sweater for Christmas.

I’d asked for a screamer or a moaner.

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*

LADY: MY JACKET!!!

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

Body by Oreos

This guy’s not having it 😆

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit

Me: Are you sure about that?

*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*

Cop: Have a nice day, sir.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week