Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
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I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
shut up and take my money
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Noah
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella