Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
S/o to @funTweeters .
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.