Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
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Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
buys donuts instead
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
mentally somewhere in italy
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.