Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

If Reincarnation ends up being real…

Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

Thank you 🥹

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

i’m sure it’s fine

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?