Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?

no regrets

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years

i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.