Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

Commonly confused phrases:

In the same boat = We’re going through this together

On the same page = We understand each other

In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this