Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker

my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy