Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.