*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Finished stitching this today 😇
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road