Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*