Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
long lost
Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Day 2 of my diet
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start