Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started

Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]

Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

You have tattoos and curves?

*unbuttons pants*

You’re also batshit crazy?

*takes off pants*

You listen to Paramore?

*puts on clothes*

Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.