Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
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Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.