Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

🥶🥶🐶🐶

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.