Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

[Gym]

Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!

Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.

So I’m still broke, but now also in French.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

😆

Day 1 of diet:

forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working