[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
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looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.