Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Me: Is it just me…

Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!

Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Meow?