You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
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I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”