[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Parents w/ 1st Baby: “Aww he’s starting to walk! C’mon buddy, u can do it!”
Parents w/ Baby #4: “SHIT, HE’S STANDING! QUICK, SWEEP THE LEG!”
They told me to spread love wherever I go.
Now everyone is complaining about being covered in Nutella.
You can never win with some people.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?