Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
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So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.