[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
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genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Never forget.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Just did a big green poo by a canal
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health