Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

Bear attack by generation:

Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot

Gen x – climb tree build fort

Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it

Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

Orange cat behavior 😂

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.