Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

incredible book dedication

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If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.