Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Schrödinger’s cookie
