guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.