Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
You Might Also Like
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.