@sofarrsogud

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

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@Mom_Overboard

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

@mortimermaiden

Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.

Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?

Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?

@Smug_Lemur

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

@heatherlou_

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

@ch000ch

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

@AristotlesNZ

Before their conflict with the Decepticons, the Autobots won a much less interesting but emotionally charged war against the Emoticons.

@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.

@HousewifeOfHell

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

@HatfieldAnne

Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.