Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
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DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
i love modern commerce
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Interior design 👌
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal