Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

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No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.


My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.


ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb


You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?


I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.


I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.


My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring


“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and


me: hear me out, you know how everybody LOVES prince, well what if there were two of him?

spin doctors: that’s genius