I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
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ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”
*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*