@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

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@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@deegeemindi

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

@loserIex

ikea worker 1: ok i say we name it “stay in stool” haha like school haha cuz it’s a stool
ikea worker 2: nice try but we r naming it üdëkæb

@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@thatUPSdude

I’m not saying I’m bilingual but Brad Pitt is hot.

In other news, I might not know what bilingual means.

@timdonakowski

I wish someone would challenge me so I could help raise awareness for ice buckets.

@graceupongracie

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

@DanMentos

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

@IndecisiveJones

me: hear me out, you know how everybody LOVES prince, well what if there were two of him?

spin doctors: that’s genius