@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

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@ElKnuckelhombre

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

@TheHyyyype

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

@The_Grant_Boldt

*at Starbucks*

“Ya I’ll have the medium roast please”

*Barista insults him a lot but not too much*

@carlyken

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

@PatsATweetin

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

@Darlainky

Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.

@LackOfShame

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

@murrman5

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked