Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.

#math

IT’S-A ME,

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m foolish with money

“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!