Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

What happened to the other hiker??!

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Death certificates are our last participation award.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

my professor scared me for a second

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes