Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!

Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]

ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)