text from my dad when lebron broke the record
You Might Also Like
2024 has been a rough few years
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
A family that plays together cheats.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
look scared
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
This rocks
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
told my sister “had to postpone my cat’s third birthday party because I forgot I told my rock climbing gym id cohost game night that same day” and she just replied “I think you might be the most boyfriendless person in all of history”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
TRAIN’S HERE
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
They grow up so quick
