text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?