text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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Cow it started Cow it’s going
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
😂😂
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
“What movie?” 🤔
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?